On thinking about Nicholas Urfe

At the beginning of the semester, when reading the Magus, I couldn't deal with Nicholas.  I thought he was sort of a pain in the ass, he complained too much and I was just not a fan. Oh, you poor sod, nothing's good enough for you, even this nice girl who you've decided to leave.  But later on in the semester, after a rough series of events I began to get where he was coming from.  The emptiness began to make sense; the lack of satisfaction and the desire to drop everything and just run away...it possessed my thoughts. I wasn't okay with anything, myself included.  I wanted to shed my skin and disappear and I couldn't figure out how to get my mind back (I still haven't, as of typing this out, either...).  But I understood, and that helped, though the crushingly sad bits and pieces didn't help me understand what was going on in my head and mostly made me want to curl up and cry for a little bit.  The melancholy was not solely Tor's to bear.  But I understood Nicholas's unnecessary desires, the significance of every small detail. I was not satisfied, not settled; my mind a fog that, had I been in Nicholas's situation, would have had me there forever. Confusion came easier than answers in a way that, as an always-honors student from kindergarten onwards, seemed so impossible.  I was no longer special for being smart, it took me just as long to find the answers as the average person.  I lost my self.  Note, not myself, but my self. And that was what made me understand Nicholas.
Edit from present-day-Ally: Past Ally wrote most of this, I edited it, and there will probably be more on my issues in my head later because they've been a bit all-consuming for a while.  Not to sound depressing...just musings.